Dildo gets hit with Politician

•February 6, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Wonderful news broke this morning. A New Zealand Politician (pronounced “scumbag”) collided with a Rubber Phallus. I feel compassion for the phallus. It’s now permanently contaminated and, as a result, will have a lonely life in a police evidence locker. There is a slim chance that the cops, unable to resist a tacky joke, will convert it into a device for sexually harassing other cops. We can only hope.

The real point of this story is that anger is rising amongst the everyday people. They know we are getting the shaft and they’ve had enough. I predict 2016 will be the year of the flaming monkey. Oh, wait a minute, that’s not a prediction its Chinese Mystical Astrology. People much wiser than me have already pointed the Flaming Monkey thing out. The interesting thing is that this year is considered a great year to rise up and overthrow things, like the International Football FIFA villains or the Vatican or, perhaps, the incredibly corrupt and grasping cabal that has co opted the USA.

I’ve been tilting at these windmills since the early 90’s. My role and voice is not the important point. The real development is my viewpoint that the Globalists need a good drubbing has moved from being a lonely fringe opinion to being a central premise for a large number of people. That is new, quite new.

These kind of social movements take decades to grow and mature. When they reach fruition they are unstoppable waves. Take heart the numbers are now stacking up on our side. Its only a matter of time, and by that I mean months, before we shall have a chance to take on the Fed or the UN Kleptocrats or the Banks. One rubber plaything is an embarrassment for the ruling classes. Ten thousand is an avalanche……..

 

Copyright Billican Media. 2016

Riot Games Support and the How To of insulting one’s customers

•December 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Recently my son Ian has spent a good portion of his personal time playing an online fantasy game called League of Legends. Ian is ten. A few days before Thanksgiving he was suddenly unable to access his account. He’s a kid so he cried. Periodically the tears have come back. He’s miserable and unhappy in a ten year old kind of way. He feels betrayed and is slowly getting angry at the company that put out the game.

Until this happened he probably never thought about the fact that there was a company with hundreds of people that worked hard to create a world where he could run around with a giant medieval hammer and gleefully crush hobgoblins or become an anorexic dragon with a flaming staff and then team up with a huckster with a magic deck of cards. He, like most kids, has an abundance of energy and remarkable focus.  He has turned that focus to this online world of fantasy. Now, suddenly, he has a real world problem trying to gain access to his primary form of escape.

When the account locked up I went online with him and dutifully filled out a trouble ticket. Yup that’s the system, we’ve all come to loath it, fill in some info on an standard form and submit it to god knows where and wait for a response.  This is what the web has brought us – ” you’ve got an issue with our company?!!  Well take an anonymous number and when we feel like paying attention to you WE WILL CONTACT YOU!”  First, of course, give us every damn piece of info we require ’cause if you don’t we will just ignore you forever.

My son and I have waited for ten days for Riot Games to find the time to reply to us. I looked for a phone number and luckily found one on a user forum. Why would a company with 28 million registered users lower itself to having a phone number on its website? That would require them to pay some small kernel of attention to its customers when its convienent to the customers.  This has what the web has brought us. Gone are the days when  businesses were required to to actually SPEAK to their customers.  No, no, that is a major hassle. The customer might be unhappy or critical, they might want us to help them when they actually feel a pressing need for help. “Press three to continue to be ignored.”

I should mention that I work in Sales. I work professionally in providing service and products to a large customer base.  Whenever I visit my customers (yes I actually go and see them) I always find a way to mention that when you call the company that I work for a human answers the phone. Every time. Of course we could fire the two people that have spent twenty years answering the phones for the company and it would save some payroll dollars. We could install a phone tree that distills human concerns down to nine easily ignored questions. If we did this it would be ignoring the fact that calling a phone number and making contact with an intelligent person that knows how to begin the process of addressing our customer’s needs within thirty seconds is in the best interests of the customers. They need answers and information quickly and having a qualified person to talk to is the quickest most efficient system  for the customer.  The opposite system would be to force them to take their time to wade through a phone tree or a trouble ticket system or a sales lead form thereby saving our staff’s valuable time AT THE EXPENSE OF THE CUSTOMER’S TIME.

So Ian and I wait patiently for Riot Games to descend from the clouds and take one of their precious moments to recognize that one of their paying customers has a problem. While we wait Ian is forced to enjoy Riot Games competitor’s products, games that he had never taken the time to check out. I on the other hand have spent some time trying to find a phone number for Riot Games , call Riot Games (Oh no sir, our support teams don’t even have phones to talk to the gamers!) and write a blog to complain that the current generation of web companies have chosen profit as their God and see their customer base as a herd of sheep to be fleeced in the most efficient manner possible.

Copyright 2015 Billiken Media

WAMC, Chartog and NPR

•January 2, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I had the great misfortune to listen to an interview on WAMC this afternoon.  For those of you outside of the Hudson Valley, or of a political persuasion other than proudly left of left WAMC is a NPR station that apparently is wholly owned and operated by a clown named Alan Chartock. Wait that’s not exactly true. It, like most NPR stations is owned by an educational institution, in this case SUNY.  Alan Chartock just acts like he owns it and he certainly does lord over it as his personal fiefdom complete with a  160K sinecure.chatock1

This afternoon Chartock was interviewing John Stanmeyer a national geographic photographer and Berkshire’s resident.  Stanmeyer seemed like and interesting gentleman, world traveler, photographer, gallery owner. Chartock ignoring any other obvious angles for interviewing him decided to blaze new ground. He grilled him about how much he gets paid!, Yes you read that correctly. He spent a good portion of his time trying to get his guest on a radio interview to tell him how much he makes and to use Chartock’s unspeakably rude phrase “how he had come to be so affluent”.  Now, please don’t be misguided by Chartock’s behavior. This isn’t a one time thing or an aberration. Chartock regularly grills his guests about their sources of income and gross pay because, to quote him again “he’s curious about these things”. Al Chartock has taken envy to new heights as he monopolizes WAMC’s airwaves. Like most narcissists Al is blissfully self obsessed, he has appointed himself executive producer or every show on WAMC (I suspect he gets to draw a fee while doing nothing),  and converted AMC’s call in program Vox Pop into his personal medical consultation by having an endless series of medical specialists as guests who he interviews seemingly with no guidance other than his own fears about his failing health.

If you ever have the good fortune to drive through the Hudson Valley take a few minutes and tune in WAMC on the left side of the dial. The odds are good that you will hear Al’s tremulous bleating at almost any hour of the day or night. The station is a personal beacon of Chartock’s ego. He is the morning political commentor. He is the afternoon talk show host. He is the drive time political commentator. He reads the pleas for funding. (to cover his ridiculous salary). He phones in to ensure the on air conversation starts never strays away from his sadly predictable political agenda. To make this frighteningly two dimensional character’s tenure as the mouthpiece for government funded radio even more interesting is the wave of rumors that have surfaced on blogs about Chartock’s sexual harrasment of an employee that happens to be married to another employee.  It’s just rumor folks and the rumor say that a settlement (pronounced “payoff”) was worked out to silence an o so typical scandal for a devoutly liberal organization.  I’ve listened to AMC for years and spent so many hours being educated in AL Chartock’s personality that I feel I could predict this fool’s next sentence. The idea of him harrassing his staff not only fits it fits like a condom.

So Happy New Year to WAMC and the cult of Al Chartock a man whose face was made for radio……………..

Copyright 2014 Brad Morrison

Christmas 2013

•December 25, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Here is my Christmas post from years past

What follows is a note I left under a friend’s Christmas tree last year.

————————————————————–   ———-hi—————–

I am Santa Claus! I am tracked by Norad. I keep a stable of ungulates that fly with no help from Laplanders or scientists. I repeat, I am Santa Claus!! I like fat chicks and ordering around little people. It’s a constant battle between those little fuckers and me. I enslave them, they retaliate by being Merry. I kick their lazy little asses and pray that next year the pop trend in China will be the “Pet Boulder”. They get back at me by learning to giggle the complete Peter, Paul and Mary catalog in four part harmony.

I am magic. I walk through walls and soar across the sky. My bathroom habits are abysmal. I’ve got a fuckin’ list and believe you me, you are on it. I’m convinced you are very, very bad unless of course that’s what you want and then I know you are good and I will not give your “special friend” that riding crop you’ve wanted her to wield all these years. It’s hard to believe but I am a mean drunk and hilarious when stoned. I’ m rarely drunk and perpetually stoned despite the fact that Marijuana is not indiginous to the North Pole and everyone knows that there is no weed delivery if you don’t live in Brooklyn or below 14th St. . Does this surprise you? I am, after all, Santa Claus.  Do you really believe that one of this job’s requirements is sobriety? For God’s sake Eggnog is an everyday breakfast drink in my house!

Don’t ever question my existence because I am Santa Claus. I am who I am because I am the sum of millions of tiny thoughts and actions common to every adult. A passing smile at an excited child, a knowing glance that passes between two mothers, a gentle white lie told with complete sincerity are all clues that prove that I live. So as you tiptoe across a room to hide a gift for a loved one or quietly take note of a friend’s comment about a desired object realize that in that moment YOU are Santa Claus.  So that’s it friends we are all Santa Claus so remember don’t give those  nasty little munchkins a break ’cause if they don’ t do the work where the hell will we all be?

Signed

Are you an idiot? You haven’t figured it out by now? DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY WRITE IT OUT.OK HERE GOES FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE HARD OF THINKING!!S…A…N…T…A..Merry Christmas!

———————————————————————————————-

Copyright Brad Morrison/ BillikenMedia 2012/2011/2010/2009

Bill Clinton’s arrogance and Led Zeppelin’s Moral Acendency

•May 7, 2013 • 3 Comments

I’ll start by mentioning that I saw Led Zeppelin at Madison Square garden for two of the three nights during the Song Remains the same. Oh la, ain’t I cool. They were good, almost great. John Paul Jones and John Bonham were the voice of the Norse Gods. Page was in top form and Plant couldn’t hit the high notes. Those shows were Led Zeppelin in their prime. What most of the later generations of music fans don’t seem to understand is that Led Zeppelin was just another band. They were not the Beatles. They were not the beginning and end of rock. I have seen hundreds of rock shows. Led Zeppelin was just another band, in fact, they stole every song they recorded.

Today’s headlines has the humiliating news that ex President (thank the lord for that) Bill Clinton attempting to step in to use his “influence” to pressure Led Zeppelin to reunite to play a benefit to aid the victims of hurricane Sandy.  The band said no. I imagine, and I have a strong reality based imagination, that the band laughed themselves silly. Bill Clinton is not cool. He has never been cool. Well, he may have been considered cool by legions of nerds and mainstream Americans that are, in themselves, not in any way cool. Bill Clinton isn’t cool. His supporters aren’t cool and in many ways Led Zeppelin is no longer cool.

The more interesting point is Bill Clinton’s inability to accept that the proper thing for an ex President to do is fade into the background. Since he is a rampant narcissist he naturally assumes that in addition to exporting all the jobs in America, bringing peace to the middle east and finally making Serbs and Croats love each other he will remake Rock history. It needs to be said, Bill Clinton is a putz. He has never been cool, he never will be cool and his taste in music is just one of the many confirmations of this fact. Unfortunately, being a NARCICIST he suffers from a complete inability to be self reflective.  Now we, the American people, are going to suffer as we watch him continue to cheapen the real perception of the American Presidency.  The mystique and tangible respect of the position of the President of the Republic of America is the product of 216 years of work by American Presidents.  Sadly a man with as little substance as Bill Clinton will pour part of this important faith and respect down the drain in an effort to prove to himself that he is still the center of the universe.

There is no question that politician are, as a class, narcissists. But there is ego and there is narcissism. They are not the same thing.  Bill Clinton’s flaws run deep, frighteningly deep. One of the great unanswered questions of recent political history is why Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial was conducted in secrecy. What dreadful things was the Senate hiding from us? The question, when viewed against one of the most scandal plagued administrations ever to control the White House. The possible answers are all bad, really truly, bad in ways that effect history.  It appears that this man, this ex President, will never willingly leave the stage. His flaws compel him to the limelight and the damage he is doing to America’s respect is real and tangible.  Perhaps America needs to consider a banishment amendment to the constitution…..

©Brad Morrison 2013/Billiken Media

I am Santa Claus….2013

•December 21, 2012 • Leave a Comment

What follows is a note I left under a friend’s Christmas tree last year.

————————————————————–   ———-hi—————–

I am Santa Claus! I am tracked by Norad. I keep a stable of ungulates that fly with no help from Laplanders or scientists. I repeat, I am Santa Claus!! I like fat chicks and ordering around little people. It’s a constant battle between those little fuckers and me. I enslave them, they retaliate by being Merry. I kick their lazy little asses and pray that next year the pop trend in China will be the “Pet Boulder”. They get back at me by learning to giggle the complete Peter, Paul and Mary catalog in four part harmony.

I am magic. I walk through walls and soar across the sky. My bathroom habits are abysmal. I’ve got a fuckin’ list and believe you me, you are on it. I’m convinced you are very, very bad unless of course that’s what you want and then I know you are good and I will not give your “special friend” that riding crop you’ve wanted her to wield all these years. It’s hard to believe but I am a mean drunk and hilarious when stoned. I’ m rarely drunk and perpetually stoned despite the fact that Marijuana is not indiginous to the North Pole and everyone knows that there is no weed delivery if you don’t live in Brooklyn or below 14th St. . Does this surprise you? I am, after all, Santa Claus.  Do you really believe that one of this job’s requirements is sobriety? For God’s sake Eggnog is an everyday breakfast drink in my house!

Don’t ever question my existence because I am Santa Claus. I am who I am because I am the sum of millions of tiny thoughts and actions common to every adult. A passing smile at an excited child, a knowing glance that passes between two mothers, a gentle white lie told with complete sincerity are all clues that prove that I live. So as you tiptoe across a room to hide a gift for a loved one or quietly take note of a friend’s comment about a desired object realize that in that moment YOU are Santa Claus.  So that’s it friends we are all Santa Claus so remember don’t give those  nasty little munchkins a break ’cause if they don’ t do the work where the hell will we all be?

Signed

Are you an idiot? You haven’t figured it out by now? DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY WRITE IT OUT.OK HERE GOES FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE HARD OF THINKING!!S…A…N…T…A..Merry Christmas!

———————————————————————————————-

Copyright Brad Morrison/ BillikenMedia 2012/2011/2010/2009

Forever stamps and the coming Bankcapolypse

•August 24, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Giddyup! The new nutrition pyramid is coming!

Anyone that has spent any time at all looking at the coming collapse of the insolvent banking system knows that we are on the edge of the final abyss. It has been ranted about, preached about, joked about and researched down to the smallest unit known to mankind. The banks are completely broke. They have purchased the unfettered support of the political class and as a result they have stripped the US of a good portion of its remaining wealth. So that’s the picture as it stands in late August twenty twelve.

The remaining discussion seems to center around the question ” what does a global banking collapse look like?”. Many pundits are haunted by a vision of Mad Max. In this vision we are all fighting over the last few hungry man dinners while those with substantial stashes of gold coins and weapons are occupying stone keeps on the local high ground. This particular fantasy seems to be overpopulated with vaguely threatening outlandishly dressed dwarfs and scantily clad b movie actresses. I hope that the people predicting this future are correct. I am well stocked with trade able midgets. (this restless cache of little people have slowly come to understand the secret motivation behind my lengthy employment options contracts and they are regretting doing business with me) As a hedge against this possible future I have been spending my nights crafting cleaver little raccoon skull masks.  The local woods are almost complete hunted out so the apocalypse must be coming with the fall frost.

There is, of course, another possible outcome to the current economic depression.  I will exercise my genius and call this possibility option “B”.  In this scenario the banks, in collusion with their wholly owned subsidiaries the governments, continue to print fiat currency and unwanted debt in greater and greater quantities. This quickly results in low quality christmas gifts, starving fixed income old people, 83% unemployment and long lines at the lotto kiosk.  [ as an aside I will correct the common misconception that the current state of desperation is the inevitable result of Capitalism. The current state of America is the product of Capitolism, as in Washington DC fucking everything up through cronyism and oppressive taxation, not Capitalism the Karl Marx bogeyman]

I recently witnessed a chilling foreshadowing of the coming Bankcapolypse.  A good friend went to his local Wells Fargo ATM to withdraw $300 from his elderly mother’s account. Surprisingly he did this to provide her with spending cash rather than to buy weed. I am as stunned as you are by this revelation, nonetheless it is true. He typed in his super secret 4 number code, hit the proper keys to mollify the robotic teller and received a small stack of cash. When he arrived home he counted the cash and received a surprise. Instead of 15 twenty dollar bills he had been given 13 twenty dollar bills and two $8 books of forever stamps! He rushed back to the bank’s branch and spoke to the all powerful kid with the tie and office. This kid with the tie and office explained that ” the ATM has been doing that pretty often lately”.  He asked for two twenty dollar bills and offered the two books of stamps in exchange. The kid with tie was too clever for that ruse. He could do arithmetic and as a result knew that $8 plus $8 doesn’t equal forty so he refused.  My friend suspected that the bank, being a bank and all, had other twenty dollar bills cleverly hidden behind the teller’s glass. So he tried again to work out some kind of solution that involved him being given two twenty dollar bills.  The kid with the tie held fast. No, he told him, no way. He would need to file a lengthy form reporting his “story” to the bank’s corporate headquarters. They, he assured him, might make the possible difference up with more stamps.

Now I know, since I am so well read, that most INSTITUTIONS view currency and stamps as the same thing. They are both Tier 1 capital and can be used to secure various things like corporate loans, government borrowing, and the washing on the line. Tier 1 capital is a precious thing. The coming changes in banking regulation which require the banks to have slightly more Tier 1 capital are just over the horizon.  The kid with tie would be crazy and likely guilty of corporate treason if he were to willing turn over two twenty dollar bills in return for $16 dollars of stamps. Yes they are both tangible assets (tangible in that we made it up kind of way) but the bank was $24 dollars ahead in the transaction and this may be the only profit Wells Fargo posts this quarter.  Further he has received the necessary corporate training so he knows that 2013 thru 2016 will be the era when the American population will be transitioning over to an all Forever Stamp diet.  This will solve both the utter insolvency of the banking system, the utter insolvency of the postal service and the lack of nutrition in the current American diet of food. The careful planning of the Postal Service, the Treasury and the Agriculture Dept. will be unveiled.  All of America’s problems will be solved. The new forever stamps will feature images of all the important food groups. Not only will there be meats and grains and fruits they will be images of the highest quality meats and grains and fruits! America will be well fed and lean with nutritional power. The banks will be flush with your deposits converted into their Tier 1 capital and the post office will be refinanced with diverted ATM withdrawals. Everyone wins! Isn’t that what America is really about?

©Brad Morrison/Billiken Media 2012