Gee Whiz! The US wins the Iraq war!

I have decided to take a moment to point out that USA has won the war in Iraq. It may seem crazy that I have to point this fact out but I have noticed a gargantuan silence on the exact topic.  So here goes….

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS WON THE WAR IN IRAQ!!!

Now I expect that this statement will cause some liberal-minded friends of mine to have a stroke and others to spit in disgust before clogging my in-box with angry denials and wordpress’s in-box with demands that this blog be deleted.  Just in case I do get deleted I have insured infamy by having a USA WINS WAR IN IRAQ t-shirt printed for my four-year old son. I plan on putting in on him and dropping him off at my ex wife’s hyper liberal day care tomorrow. That should get the word around. He’s a straw man in this nefarious plan since he can’t read and I plan on telling him it is a speed racer shirt. He loves speed racer and I am, after all, evil.  As further backup I have written a letter to the editor of the NY times which I am certain will be printed.

I know that you are wondering how I came to this conclusion. I’ll let you in on the judging process.  First I stared out the window at my snowy backyard and contemplated some dismal losses at the grand endeavour called war. Hmm let’s see there was those Japanese people in the second world war. We dropped two atomic  bombs on them and killed most of their soldiers and then, oddly, they stopped fighting our soldiers. It should be noted that some of them hid out in the jungle and waited twenty years or so to officially throw in the towel. Okay that’s one example.

Oh yeah there was Joachim Phoenix’s father Marcus what’s his name defeating all those German cavemen in that film. I guess that’s not a good example since it was just one battle and in the end those pesky German cavemen never did learn to use indoor plumbing and speak latin.  I need a better example. Ooo I got one. The Napoleon invading Russia thing. I read the Tolstoy version and even though it’s kinda long I’m certain that at the end of the book the French guys all died and then stopped fighting the Russian guys.  So that makes two. I definitely need more since my liberal friends will not give up the good fight until I have at least three examples.

One last loss …Hmm…. I’ll go with the whole Americans fight the Redcoats war.  Yup that fits, almost everyone other than Howard Zinn agrees that the Americans won since the British guys stopped fighting after they woke up in the morning and found the French fleet cutting off their retreat. 

So now I apply my awesome intellect to the situation. What’s common to all three I asks myself. I’ve got it! One side stopped fighting and the other side ended up in political control. 

So now I do the scholarly thing and eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon while contemplating the situation in Iraq.  Let’s see.

We fought the Iraqi national army, they stopped fighting. Then we set up a provisional government. Then every crazy fundamentalist in the middle east hopped on a bus and smuggled themselves over the border from Syria. The Syrians and Iranians gave them guns and they dug up lots of old artillery shells and started an insurrection.  They bombed our army guys and shot at them. We shot back. They killed 4370 American soldiers and we killed 32,000 of them. Then, when most of them were dead and their spirit was broken they stopped fighting our army guys.  The government still stands and our army is still on the ground there. Gee Whiz! We won! I will no celebrate my scholarly brilliance by scratching myself copiously and reading some old spy vs spy cartoons……………………..

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~ by Brad Morrison on January 2, 2010.

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