I am Santa Claus!

What follows is a note I left under a friend’s Christmas tree this year.


I am Santa Claus! I am tracked by Norad. I keep a stable of ungulates that fly with no help from Laplanders or scientists. I repeat, I am Santa Claus!! I like fat chicks and ordering around little people. It’s a constant battle between those little fuckers and me. I enslave them, they retaliate by being Merry. I kick their lazy little asses and pray that next year the pop trend in China will be the “Pet Boulder”.  They get back at me by learning to giggle the complete Peter, Paul and Mary catalog in four part harmony.

I am magic. I walk through walls and soar across the sky.  My bathroom habits are abysmal.  I’ve got a fuckin’ list and believe you me, you are on it. I’m convinced you are very, very bad unless of course that’s what you want and then I know you are good and I will not give your “special friend” that riding crop you’ve wanted all these years.  It’s hard to believe but I am a mean drunk and hilarious when stoned. I’m rarely drunk and perpetually stoned.  Does this surprise you? I am, after all, Santa Claus.  Do you really believe that one of this job’s requirements is sobriety?

Don’t ever question my existence because I am Santa Claus.  I am who I am because I am the sum of millions of tiny thoughts and actions common to every adult.  A passing smile at an excited child, a knowing glance that passes between two mothers, a gentle white lie told with complete sincerity are all clues that prove that I live.  So as you tiptoe across a room to hide a gift for a loved one or quietly take note of a friend’s comment about a desired object realize that in that moment YOU are Santa Claus.  So that’s it friends we are all Santa Claus so remember don’t give those  nasty little munchkins a break ‘cause if they don’t do the work where the hell will we all be?


Are you an idiot? You haven’t figured it out by now? DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY WRITE IT OUT. ….OK HERE GOES FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE REALLY SLOW…..S….A…..N….T….A………..Merry Christmas!


Copyright Brad Morrison/ BillikenMedia


~ by Brad Morrison on January 25, 2010.

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