Forever stamps and the coming Bankcapolypse

Giddyup! The new nutrition pyramid is coming!

Anyone that has spent any time at all looking at the coming collapse of the insolvent banking system knows that we are on the edge of the final abyss. It has been ranted about, preached about, joked about and researched down to the smallest unit known to mankind. The banks are completely broke. They have purchased the unfettered support of the political class and as a result they have stripped the US of a good portion of its remaining wealth. So that’s the picture as it stands in late August twenty twelve.

The remaining discussion seems to center around the question ” what does a global banking collapse look like?”. Many pundits are haunted by a vision of Mad Max. In this vision we are all fighting over the last few hungry man dinners while those with substantial stashes of gold coins and weapons are occupying stone keeps on the local high ground. This particular fantasy seems to be overpopulated with vaguely threatening outlandishly dressed dwarfs and scantily clad b movie actresses. I hope that the people predicting this future are correct. I am well stocked with trade able midgets. (this restless cache of little people have slowly come to understand the secret motivation behind my lengthy employment options contracts and they are regretting doing business with me) As a hedge against this possible future I have been spending my nights crafting cleaver little raccoon skull masks.  The local woods are almost complete hunted out so the apocalypse must be coming with the fall frost.

There is, of course, another possible outcome to the current economic depression.  I will exercise my genius and call this possibility option “B”.  In this scenario the banks, in collusion with their wholly owned subsidiaries the governments, continue to print fiat currency and unwanted debt in greater and greater quantities. This quickly results in low quality christmas gifts, starving fixed income old people, 83% unemployment and long lines at the lotto kiosk.  [ as an aside I will correct the common misconception that the current state of desperation is the inevitable result of Capitalism. The current state of America is the product of Capitolism, as in Washington DC fucking everything up through cronyism and oppressive taxation, not Capitalism the Karl Marx bogeyman]

I recently witnessed a chilling foreshadowing of the coming Bankcapolypse.  A good friend went to his local Wells Fargo ATM to withdraw $300 from his elderly mother’s account. Surprisingly he did this to provide her with spending cash rather than to buy weed. I am as stunned as you are by this revelation, nonetheless it is true. He typed in his super secret 4 number code, hit the proper keys to mollify the robotic teller and received a small stack of cash. When he arrived home he counted the cash and received a surprise. Instead of 15 twenty dollar bills he had been given 13 twenty dollar bills and two $8 books of forever stamps! He rushed back to the bank’s branch and spoke to the all powerful kid with the tie and office. This kid with the tie and office explained that ” the ATM has been doing that pretty often lately”.  He asked for two twenty dollar bills and offered the two books of stamps in exchange. The kid with tie was too clever for that ruse. He could do arithmetic and as a result knew that $8 plus $8 doesn’t equal forty so he refused.  My friend suspected that the bank, being a bank and all, had other twenty dollar bills cleverly hidden behind the teller’s glass. So he tried again to work out some kind of solution that involved him being given two twenty dollar bills.  The kid with the tie held fast. No, he told him, no way. He would need to file a lengthy form reporting his “story” to the bank’s corporate headquarters. They, he assured him, might make the possible difference up with more stamps.

Now I know, since I am so well read, that most INSTITUTIONS view currency and stamps as the same thing. They are both Tier 1 capital and can be used to secure various things like corporate loans, government borrowing, and the washing on the line. Tier 1 capital is a precious thing. The coming changes in banking regulation which require the banks to have slightly more Tier 1 capital are just over the horizon.  The kid with tie would be crazy and likely guilty of corporate treason if he were to willing turn over two twenty dollar bills in return for $16 dollars of stamps. Yes they are both tangible assets (tangible in that we made it up kind of way) but the bank was $24 dollars ahead in the transaction and this may be the only profit Wells Fargo posts this quarter.  Further he has received the necessary corporate training so he knows that 2013 thru 2016 will be the era when the American population will be transitioning over to an all Forever Stamp diet.  This will solve both the utter insolvency of the banking system, the utter insolvency of the postal service and the lack of nutrition in the current American diet of food. The careful planning of the Postal Service, the Treasury and the Agriculture Dept. will be unveiled.  All of America’s problems will be solved. The new forever stamps will feature images of all the important food groups. Not only will there be meats and grains and fruits they will be images of the highest quality meats and grains and fruits! America will be well fed and lean with nutritional power. The banks will be flush with your deposits converted into their Tier 1 capital and the post office will be refinanced with diverted ATM withdrawals. Everyone wins! Isn’t that what America is really about?

©Brad Morrison/Billiken Media 2012

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~ by Brad Morrison on August 24, 2012.

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